It's not that I hadn't looked for Jesus before. In fact, I spent several years trying to find Him; I searched high and low, everywhere I went; I went to the famous "Chicken Church" just outside of Tampa (see picture) — after going to a Church's Chicken by mistake (stupid GPS); I looked in lost and found boxes, under the couch cushions, and on every piece of toast I made; I even read The Bible for Dummies from cover to cover. But until yesterday, I had never heard that all I had to do was ask God to reveal Himself, and He would. So I tried it, and much to my surprise, He came into my heart.
At first, I thought it was just heartburn, but then I heard a voice! And this wasn't like most of the voices I hear in my head. This one was deep and well-modulated, more James Earl Jones than Morgan Freeman. So I immediately knew it was God. I fell down on my knees (though, to be perfectly honest, the scotch I was drinking at the time might have had something to do with that) and began speaking in tongues.
After telling me to shut the fuck up, He told me that He loved me, quickly adding, “but I'm not gay — that would be a sin.” Which was a big relief!
So now I'm here to tell all of you to repent, lest you end up in the eternal Hellfire prepared for Satan and his minions, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth, followed by (the truly horrible part) dentist appointments to fix those teeth! Forever and ever. Amen.
[Originally published at Debunking Christianity]